| Friends Only |
[18 Apr 2003|10:46pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Plastics On Parade-Jupiter Blue |
] |
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| Oh My God |
[26 Mar 2003|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
Im SO fucking pissed right now, so Pissed I cant even fucking think straight. All I can say is that this is more than likely the straw that breaks my back and makes me make this journal friends only *fumes*
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| Mew... |
[23 Mar 2003|09:30pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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John Mayer-Your Body is a Wonderland |
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EEEE! Today was wonderful...yes very very wonderful. Spending an entire day with the person you're crzy about will do that to you ^ ^ and umm for those of you who DONT want details....this song was running through my head all day:
Your Body is a Wonderland
we've got the afternoon
you've got this room for two
one thing I've left to do
discover me discovering you
one mile to every inch of
your skin like porcelain
one pair of candy lips
and your bubblegum tongue
cause if you want love
we'll make it
swim in a deep sea
of blankets
take all your big plans
and break 'em
this is bound to be awhile
your body is a wonderland
your body is a wonder I'll use my hands
your body is a wonderland
something about the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case
you tell me where to go though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it
if you want love
we'll make it
swim in a deep sea
of blankets
take all your big plans
and break 'em
this is bound to be awhile
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder I'll use my hands
damn, baby
you frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
but you look so good it hurts sometimes
your body is a wonderland
your body is a wonder I'll use my hands
your body is a wonderland
*dreamy sigh* ahhhh its wonderful!
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| hmm...I wouldnt know |
[23 Mar 2003|11:39am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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Jupiter Blue-Paper Star |
] |
Damsels are hard to find in a modern world with
screwy ideals! You're probably a romantic and
you might even have a broken heart because,
SURPRISE! The world isn't a fairy tale. I'm
not saying you should change because that would
be awful. Stick to your guns, be patient, and
wait for that godamned prince-metaphor to come
because, damnit, you deserve royalty and not
some second-rate wannabe.
What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
brought to you by Quizilla
well I wouldnt know about that...hmm, But I do have royalty so we shall see lol
but anyways...bleh...another boring sunday :'( where I sit around and wait until tonight when Ill have to do homework
Schoolgirls make plaid look good just so long as
they've got great legs. With you, though, it's
all in the mentality. You probably want your
sex-object of choice to guide you along the way
so you aren't totally lost. Don't go feeling
too insecure, though. Whatever it is, I bet
she'll/he'll like it.
What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
brought to you by Quizilla
this is a lil more accurate tho ^_^
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| Yes I realize my emotions are quite out of whack at the moment.... |
[22 Mar 2003|05:49pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
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music |
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Let me Be-Britney |
] |
You try to read me
You try to figure out
You try to breathe me
But you can't
Blow me out
You try to feel me
But I'm so out of touch
I won't be falling
You won't have
To pick me up
Sorry if I sound confused
I don't feel the way
Like you do
But I won't turn around
But I won't turn around
You think
I might back down
But I won't
Think that
I might have doubts
But I don't
No insecurities
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
Think that
You know me now
But you don't
Think that I can't
Stand on my own
It ain't my philosophy
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
Trust in my instincts
Trust that I know
What's right
These are the reasons
That keep you up
At night (at night)
Tell me "Go slow"
This is my flow
'Cause you don't know
Know what I know
Let me tell you
How it feels
Baby it's time that
You see me for real
Sorry if I sound confused
I don't feel the way
Like you do
But I won't turn around
But I won't turn around
You think
I might act out
But I won't
Think that
I might have doubts
But I don't
No insecurities
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
Think that
You know me now
But you don't
Think that
I can't stand
On my own
Ain't my philosophy
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
Trust that I know
This is my show
Letting you know
Gotta go the way I go
Trust that I know
This is my show
Letting you know
Gotta go the way I go
You think
I might act out
But I won't
Think that
I might have doubts
But I don't
No insecurities
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
(Be)
Think that
You know me now
But you don't
Think that I can't
Stand on my own
It ain't my philosophy
(It ain't
My philosophy, yeah)
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
You think
I might act out
But I won't
Think that
I might have doubts
But I don't
No insecurities
(No insecurities)
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
Think that
You know me now
But you don't
Think that
I can't stand
On my own
Ain't my philosophy
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
You think
I might act out
But I won't
Think that
I might have doubts
But I don't
No insecurities
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
Think that
You know me now
But you don't
Think that
I can't stand
On my own
(I can't stand
On my own)
Ain't my philosophy
Won't you just
Let me, let me be?
some people definately need to read that.....lol
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| Save Me from myself.... |
[22 Mar 2003|04:51pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
] |
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music |
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Evanescence-Whisper |
] |
'whisper'
catch me as i fall
say you're here and it's all over now
speaking to the atmosphere
no one's here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away
Someone help me please...please help. I dont know whats wrong with me.
Im scared of myself, please someone save me
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| BLUE MAYHEM |
[22 Mar 2003|03:22pm] |
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mood |
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giggly |
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music |
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Come what May-Moulin Rouge |
] |
YAY! I have blue tips in my hair! *happy dance* ooooh squeeee they look awsome!
WHEEE!
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| How I feel right now |
[21 Mar 2003|05:16pm] |
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mood |
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 rejected |
] |
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music |
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Jupiter Blue-Shut up |
] |
"Unwanted"
All that I did was walk over
Start off by shaking your hands
That's how it went
I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight
Oh, yeah, yeah
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away
No, I just don't understand why
you won't talk to me
It's hurts that I'm so unwanted for nothing
Don't talk words against me
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away
Make me go away
I tried to belong
It didn't seem wrong
My head aches
Its been so long
I'll write this song
If that's what it take
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away
Make me go away
Make me go away
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| Which way to wonderland? |
[21 Mar 2003|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
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music |
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Michelle Branch- You get me |
] |
Once again, stuck in the land that is school. I want to be somewhere else.....anywhere. I lost it again today *sigh* what is wrong with me? And last night by the way. Just standing in the middle of the house screaming my lungs out...they're gonna lock me up in an asylum i just know it. But maybe I am crazy. I've heard it so much, hell im starting believe it. But today I was worried about other stuff so I just ended up screaming about in then going to eat in the cafeteria by myself. Surrounded by people yet so alone.....how ironic.
"imaginary
i linger in the doorway
of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
let me stay
where the wind will whisper to me
where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story
in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me
don't say i'm out of touch
with this rampant chaos - your reality
i know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
the nightmare i built my own world to escape
in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me
swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming
the goddess of imaginary light"
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| Walk out....WHEE! |
[20 Mar 2003|04:12pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
] |
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music |
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Jack off Jill-Lollirot |
] |
Today was a walkout at school. It was so awsome. except it was raining so I was staning in the rain for over an hour and i was SOAKED my hair, my clothes, my backpack and everything in it...grrr. my binder is just disgusting, its soaked beyond i dunno what. So I came home, ate soup and changed. I never thought I would be so happy to be in dry clothes lol. Im sure theres gonna be a picture of me in the blake beat..oy. I was doing so much talking and screaming my head off about the war and how my cousin is over in iraq and people were taking lotsa pictures lol. Im sure I looked lovely...soaked hair and a mixture of water and black eyeshadow running down my face, go me!
On another note I definately had a schitzophrenic day and I dont know why. Caitlin and randy were wrestling with me and all of a sudden I just started screaming "STOP IT ALL OF YOU STOP IT!' before that in 3rd period i had a similar experience...I went to the girls bathroom in the d hall, started screaming and slammed my head into a mirror....and I dont know why! I was aware of myself while I was doing it but I dont know WHY i was doing it. In all honesty im kindof scared of myself right now *whimpers* someone help me....
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| Hmm |
[18 Mar 2003|03:21pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
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music |
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Evanescence-My Tourniquet |
] |
Well Im sitting here in the school library. Lisa is a at rehersal so I have nothing better to do than sit here and listen to music and ofcourse update my journal. OMG weirdest thing! I got this email from that site www.someonelikesyou.com and it says that I have a secret admirer. Thats so weird and Im gonna feel so bad considering I already have a bf, oh well. itll be interesting to see who it is ya know? Its driving me nuts and I have no idea who it could be! Im not allowed to go to the site because this is a 'school computer' so the have the site blocked. grrrr. I REALLY want a laptop that is myown so I can take it places with me lol. Oy lastnight was pure drama. I dont wanna say to much cuz its not my buisness but it was just something i didnt like to have the pleasure of hearing. So i sat in my room (laurens room ^ ^) and listened to my headphones while scribbling nonsense in my notebook lol. Oh and I found out that Sivan has to stay in the hospital until next week *sob* But atleast hes getting help ya know? He calle dme yesterday in the middle of tech and I was so happy cuz U hadnt heard from him in forever. But on sunday....wow....I freaked. Long and short of it is I basically tried to kill myself....*sigh* I know I know im a hypocritical pathetic weak fake but everyone has a damned breakingpoint ya know? But one thing saved me and Im fine now. I cant explain it maybe it was a spiritual experience (HAH riiiight) but it has still convinced me that I need to stay here and live for my friends, family and most importantly my boyfriend. I have too much to do to leave now ya know? Thats not in anyway shape or form stop my little obsession but Just know that I'm not gonna die. Sorry this is so long, Lisa has been doing a research paper the last two nights so shes had the computer and I havent had the chance to get on, which is a shame but im sure Im not missing much lol, If i was I would have gotten an email already, either that or people dont think I matter that much
whatever
I dont care what they think because I have one wondeful boy who literally saved my life and I know that I matter to him and my friends....so NYAH
'Fall back, take a look at me and you'll see Im for real
I feel what only I can feel and I I dont appeal to ya let me know
and Ill go, cause I flow better when my colors show
and thats the way it has to be, honestly,
cause creativity can never bloom in my room
Ill throw it all away before I lie so dont call me with a compromise
Hang up the phone I got a back-bone stronger than yours.
If you wanna bring me down....
Go ahead and TRY'
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[15 Mar 2003|05:47pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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Adam's Song-Blink 182 |
] |
I didn't take my medicine again....now im too catatonic to be motivated enough to go get it. Oy...here we go again...im home alone...hmmm...that could work to my advantage
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[13 Mar 2003|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
] |
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music |
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Placebo-Black-Eyed |
] |
She stood in the rain....not knowing where she was going or where she had been for that matter...The cool droplets like ice on her warm skin, her heart racing. 'Had I Been running?' she calmly wondered. Calmly...the only emotion she had felt for the last few days..but how can someone be calm when they can't remember? She didn't have a past....no knowledge of where she had been...no knowledge of where she was going either. Did that make her nothing? A thing with no past or future...just a thing stuck in one single moment. The rain left a glow on her skin, her chocolate colored hair pressed to her head, stands haphazardly stuck to her face and neck. The water dripped down her face, like natural tears that the sky had given her, since obviously her mind couldn't fathom the emotions that would allow her own eyes to express their sorrow.
She had become so cold...numb...distant. Nothing could phase her anymore...her mothers death, leaving everything she'd ever known behind, labeled a social outcast. 'They can't get to you...' she told herself, in fact, she'd told herself so many times she actually believed herself. She had forgotten that she was human, living, breathing, bleeding. She could swear she saw his outline in the distance, the hero that had melted the heart that had been cased in ice for so long, the one person who made her melt, yet still needed her to be solid. 'A double standard?' she wondered cynically as her mind erased his shadow from the horizon, along with the fading sun that was hidden..no...trapped behind the thick veil of clouds. As the darkness held her the steetlights flicked on, triggered, as if to protect the innocent creatures from the comming night. 'It's not that scary..' she told herself...as if she were talking to them. She knew that the night wasn't scary, shed been alone in it many a time. As the night held her...something else did too. A gentle caress down her spine, the most gentle touch that made her jump and turn around, she knew what it was. Yet he was gone again...like a shadow behind those clouds. Her mind, her heart, everything inside of her told her to break down and cry...to loose it right then and there for allowing herself to chase a shadow. 'No..' she battled against herself 'Leave me alone...I don't need you...I just need him, thats all...'
Calm....the only emotion she showed....even now, even now that her mind was screaming for her to listen, even now that her heart was breaking, even now that the increasing darkness was invading her mind...telling her that this was the time when dreams came alive, but they wouldn't, not hers. They were stone and ice just like the rest of her.
They wouldn't be alive....ever...not until her hero came and melted her heart, her mind, her dreams...and set her emotions free again
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| Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom, I'm Dying again... |
[11 Mar 2003|01:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Going Under-Evanescence |
] |
Oy, why why WHY does this happen? AM I not enough? This is killing me slowly but surely...I worried so much I was physically sick today at the end of 3rd period. I want to be there to help but WHY can't I? WHY I want someone to tell me that.
WHY cant I help?
WHY am I not enough
WHY does he think this is his only answer
WHY can't he see what he's doing to me?
I cried all day today, I even took my medicine but it didn't help, I just sat and cried and worried myself sick, thinking
Is he dead?
Will I never get to hear his voice again?
Is he ok?
I listened to 'My Immortal' non stop and It pushed me over the edge more than once....I had a complete breakdown in the middle of art class. Just sobbing...my tears dripping onto my perspective art handout while Chris and Chexie held onto me, telling me that it was ok. Me hearing every word they said but at the same time...not...All I wanted to hear at that point was him, His voice his laugh telling me that he loves me, talking about completely random things, video games, friends, how we're going to have SO much fun when he gets here.
This is DESTROYING me.....what can I do to make him see? What can I do to make him realize that he is needed here and that he is my EVERYTHING? What can I do? Im sick of people telling me theres nothing I can do...I wont listen to that anymore and the next person who tells me that is going to get their ass kicked.....
I want him here so much, to hold me, tell me im wonderful, that everything is ok. But why can't he see that thats what I want, I dont want anyone else and there is no one better....just him....just...him, thats all I want. Is him here with me where I can protect him and hold him and he can do the same for me. And I'm sorry if that sounds selfish but its what I want more than anything in this world.
You know what I wished for on my birthday?
That he would get better...and be safe...and happy and here with me
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| Hmm.... |
[10 Mar 2003|09:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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silence....my brain worrying over nothing |
] |
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| Hmmm |
[09 Mar 2003|06:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Aimee Allen-I'd start a revolution |
] |
I _____ Cassi.
Cassi is ____.
If I were alone in a room with Cassi I would _____.
I think Cassi should _____.
Cassi needs _____.
I want to ____ Cassi.
Someday Cassi will _____.
Cassi reminds me of _____.
Without Cassi _____.
Cassi can be _____.
_____ is how I describe meeting Cassi.
Worst thing about Cassi is _____.
Best thing about Cassi is _____.
I am ________ Cassi.
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| Hollow |
[07 Mar 2003|04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Transylvanian Concubine-Rasputina |
] |
Today I saw something...It was at the end of second period art. A small sculpture, which looked to be frail and made of paper mache. It's owner held it without much care and playfully jabbed at it with a pair of scissors. I heard a hideous tearing sound as the gleaming silver blade dissapeared into the statue...It's point now protruding from its back. Thats when I realized there was no blood on the tip, there couldn't be because it wasn't human...but there was no plaster either. No clay..not even bits of chipped paint. It was if the newly formed scar had been there forever...since the day it was made. But the gruesome tearing sound that was playing over and over in my head was proof that that wasn't the case. But it dawned on me that the sculpture was completely hollow, a mere shell of something that was crafted to look like a human. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and maybe I'm over analyzing it but the image made me think, made my mind try to fathom something that I could never understand, that I was never meant to understand. With that my eyes flicked to my own imperfecton, a small line of pink scar tissue where my owner had carelessly assumed that I was hollow. But I remember, I wasn't...as much as she wanted me to be I wasn't. The blood trickled down my hand to my fingertips where I sat and stared at the little droplets that were forming, the droplets that had me transfixed as if they were crimson stars in the neverending night sky. I then came back into my own mind and howled in pain and disgust. Disgust that I had let her take over again, that I had let her have the satisfaction of seeing my blood, which she loved so much. The satisfaction of putting yet another scar into my milky white skin, which at that moment wasn't milky at all, but a bright crimson. But now the crimson is gone and my skin, as cold and white as the pristine snow is marked with the tell-tale sign of my weakness, my addiction, my curse. The weakness that I can't contain that girl in the back of my head, that girl who marvels at my blood, never her own. And that girl, who always assumes that I am hollow
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xxroguexx's journal
awake